Wrecked

So today was a long day. I got my copy of Grand Theft Auto 4. I then had a round of tennis playoffs. As it was dreadfully bright out there, I left burnt and exhausted. Somehow me and my doubles partner got away with two wins, which we were both grateful for, but not too pleased with our performance. So after the match, I was on my way to pick up my father from the school, and on the way got into a car accident. I was driving along when a lady suddenly crossed the double line coming directly head-on in my lane. I swerved just enough to avoid a head-on collision, but she smashed my side mirror off. As my side window was open, the mirror flew through the window and into my passenger side seat. Glass shattered and coated my lap, the floor, my seat, the passenger side seat, the back seat, as well as everything in between. Somehow I came out of the event with only some minor cuts on my arm and face. The lady driving said that she had dropped her cigarette and was looking down for it when she decided to come into my lane.

What was later brought to my attention by my father was the fact that if I had had my arm out the window, I would mostly likely have either no arm or a severely broken one. Luckily, I keep my arms in the car when driving. It's pretty crazy when you think about how easily things could have been much worse. Thankfully, though, I am alive and intact. Close call.

Vague Concepts

I was writing today in my journal, and I realized that sometimes I get an idea in my head, but I cannot put it into words. I try to clarify by expanding on the idea, but a lot of the time, I just ramble about things that are relevant to the issue but not very effective in refining what I'm trying to say. This is one of the reasons why I can't write a blog on a regular basis. In my journal, I'll write whatever comes to mind. Usually there's a general lack of direction or structure to my thoughts, but eventually I try to tie off all the knots. When I write a blog, I try clear things up to the best of my ability at the time. But even then, sometimes I write things I don't mean or don't fully understand (as things have always been pointed out to me afterwards).

Thinking is always good, but there comes a step when one must explain what they believe. I've come into trouble with this, when I ramble too much and then come off sounding way too pessimistic. But sometimes I just think in ways that aren't structured properly. I ask eight straight questions before thinking about any form of answers. I answer questions and I'm already thinking about the next question before I even finish asking the first one. During a writing class I took last semester, I ended up turning in some of the best papers I've ever written before. But for most of those papers, when I received the assignment, I didn't know what I was going to write or how I was going to write it. I brainstorm ideas, make an outline, write sentences, and then try to connect the dots. But even beyond this, when I connect the dots, I make rigorous revisions before I'm done. This is also how I blog. This entry may be fairly straightforward without too much thought being put into it, but when it's something I'm passionate about and struggling with, it takes me more time to figure out what I'm trying to say.

I've been trying to write about humility for a while now. Maybe it's because I lack it myself, but I cannot put into words what I'm trying to say. I don't even think that I know what to say yet. I don't know where to begin. I don't know what the point is or what the answer is. Without those two criteria, I keep to myself and refuse to present my ideas.

Insufficient Community: Unfortunate Situation or Reason for Inactivity?

As I look back over some of the journal entries and blog entries that I have written, I can see a non-stop evolution of thought. For a while, I believed that the only answer was to say "screw the church." But over time that has been shot down.

My father has stamped in me a few atypical views on numerous things (Christian leadership, fellowship, friendship, salvation, the role of the church and Church, etc.) that are usually the cause for my friction among people within the Christian community. This produces an incredibly limited community within the church for me.

This limited community has greatly fueled my pessimism, and has caused me to rationalize that I was better off without the church at all. Needless to say, the outcome was less than satisfactory. I thought that if I could not receive the help I needed from within the church, then I would be able to discover it on my own. I told myself that I could do it alone. But now I have come back to reality in realizing that I cannot do it solo, and that I need a positive community to keep me in check with what I should be doing.

This realization, though, has not brought me springing back to the church. I have gone on an excursion away from the church that has brought me back with a much more refined sensitivity towards the church. I have come back with a calmer response towards the downfalls of the church, but still refuse to concede the fact that "this is just the way things are, and there is nothing we can do to change it".

My lack of outward community has made me search for more of an inward community: something that goes more along the lines of a close relationship between myself and the creator of the universe. But apathy, laziness, and the ability to rationalize false cognitions are all things that I have manifested recently, and are all things that are getting in the way of that inward community I am striving for.

So for now, I am back in the church. During the conversation that I had about inward and outward communities, I realized that I lack both. The most difficult change that anyone can make is the one that involves changing who they are at the moment in order to become who they want to be tomorrow. Donald Miller says, "What I believe is not what I say I believe; what I believe is what I do." Gandhi said, "Be the change you want to see in the world." That is what I have waiting ahead of me on the horizon: change.